Fresh Start

For the past 12 weeks, I've done the work to rest and grieve, and now it's time to reconnect with the world. I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I worry that I might slip back to where I was, but then I am also ready for the fresh start into the new normal of life physically without Nathan. Going back to work is the first real step in that process. I will forever be a mother who has lost a son to suicide while I exist here on earth. But I will also forever be Nathan's mom, and responsible for sharing his life story with those who will join our family in the future as well as treasure the memories with those who lived life along with him.

One sweet memory I have is that I love how Nate came to me when he was wounded. It was such a sweet time to see him need me and allow me to just be his mom. I did my best to be the best for him. I have no regrets as to how much I love him and I took every opportunity to show him. I believe he would say the same.

I love his little boy laugh and mischievous ways. 100% boy with all that come with it. He is my first born and will always hold my heart in his.

Nate, you have a way of making me do so much I don't want to do, but thank you for teaching me to be strong. I wish this never happened, but I will honor God our family and you as I walk along the journey without you here. Heaven seems so much closer. That is a blessing in itself as part of me is already there.

Death.....it seems like just a word until it hits home. Now I know. Now, I can feel with a depth like no other. I want to connect with people still and I want to make a difference. Especially at KSBJ.

I feel like I have the chance to start all over like I'm going to a new job. Not many get that opportunity. Thank you, Father in Heaven, for this blessing of a fresh start. Walk with me next week and guide my every move. Help me show others the joy of you in me instead of the cloud of grief that once existed. I want to be made new and I want others to enjoy your hand in this transformation. Use me, Father and make it clear as to the direction you want my ministry to go. I will follow your lead.