I'm back...

I put down my virtual pen 5 years ago and not until recently did I even consider picking it back up...so here I am. I have lots to share, where to start?

Let's start with the title of this blog "9 months - A journey of pain to peace."

9 months...REALLY?! I look at my audacious attempt to understand grief in 9 months and shake my head with knowing sadness. Somehow I thought that since I carried my son into his life for 9 months, I could learn what I needed to find peace in the first 9 months after his death. Wow...so much I didn't know.

My son, Nathan, died on April 12, 2013. He was 24 years old. After a  near fatal car accident left him with partial paralysis and unbearable pain, he took his own life. The initial purpose of this blog was to help me process my emotions, and I wrote directly to him. Now, I write to you, the mom finding herself on a journey she never expected. A journey like mine.

In the beginning, I frantically looked for someone to help me make sense of the indescribable pain in my heart. I looked for my grief sage or mentor in groups, online, therapy, blogs, podcasts, audiobooks, grief retreats, medication, alcohol, meditation, exercise and even a brief stent at a psychiatric hospital; she wasn't there. I was desperately seeking relief from a bottomless sea of emotions drowning me with every breath. Although the hand I reached for didn't come immediately, I grew to understand that this sage I was seeking was me. She was inside of me, and this grief journey was going to refine her so that she could gently guide others, just like you.

So, I have done the hard work for the past seven years to regain peace, redefine joy and find purpose. This process was driven by grit and a promise made to God, my family and most of all Nathan, not to be swallowed by the grief of loss. I promised to continue living and loving in a way that honored my sons life and brought glory to my Father in heaven. There is still so much to learn, but I'm ready to contribute and share what I've discovered with the sliver of the world that needs my insight. Bringing hope to one mom putting her life back together after losing a child to suicide, means that all of my tears and pain have served their purpose.

My whole hearted commitment in this season is to share my story authentically, listen to your heart lovingly and gently guide you, to the best of my ability, into your place of peace and purpose so that you can do the same one day. That's the way continued healing works. The seeker becomes the sage.

No matter what stage of grief you're in, if this is you, I've been praying for our moment. Take my hand in yours and let's talk. Joy does come in the morning dear one.

- Nate's mom