I thank God for grace

A short fall and 2 broken radial bones in my right arm was all it took to trigger one my most horrifying night terrors. You know, the life like dream that shoots you straight up in the bed, puddled in sweat and bellows a sound of fear stirred from the depths of your soul. 

If you've witnessed your child in an inhumane amount of pain, then you've more than likely had this dream too. Pure terror.

The catalyst for my son, Nathan, taking  his own life was a catastrophic car accident. A solo event on his 24th birthday started with a poor decision to get behind the wheel after too much celebration and ended with him ejected and crushed under the vehicle. Needless to say every major bone in his body was painfully injured. Although horrific, two miracles happened that night, 1) an off duty police officer heard the metal crushing echoes from less than a mile away, arrived swiftly and called Life Flight saving my son's life 2) no other vehicles were involved. If someone else would have been hurt...I can't even.

The days following included multiple surgeries, 3 weeks in ICU and nearly 2 months at the Herman Memorial Trauma Hospital in Houston. All of this to repair his aorta, rebuild his right hip and stop a hemorrhaging ulcer. Both arms were broken and his sciatic nerve was impacted by a very angry hematoma which launched his already painful condition to epic levels. Basically, he was a hot mess all the way around, except for his face. "The money maker," as he called it had nothing but a little road rash that healed really fast. It makes me happy that he knew he was  handsome.

Two days after hip surgery, a very young physical therapy team arrives in their white coats, stethoscopes and textbook program ready to get Nathan mobile. Everything in my gut told me that it was way too soon for this part of the program but I was intently told to "be strong" for my son or I would be asked to leave during PT exercises. Nathan fearfully insisted that I stay so I soldiered up. I will NEVER forget the look on his face when they started moving him to the side of the bed. He had a horrified, soundless, breathless gasp that drained all of his color to a  pasty grey white. His horrified eyes begged me to stop them, but he did what they said as best he could as I sat traumatized in the small hospital room screaming on the inside. My son endured an inhumane amount of pain, that I pray to God I never have to witness again in my lifetime. I still feel the rising need to vomit as I write the story for you now.

As they say in every 12-step program, recovery begins with acknowledging that you have a problem.  My weakness was that I was not the advocate for Nathan I should have been because I was afraid. I felt powerless over the authority I allowed the physicians and physical therapists to have over me and my son's well-being. I blindly trusted the medical practitioners instead of trusting my instincts and voicing my concerns which resulted in a life altering trauma for both me and Nathan. And, we both hated physical therapy after those sessions in the hospital.  As a matter of fact, once we got him home, he never went back. And I didn't blame him.

For years I've wrestled with failing Nathan in his physical healing and felt that my weakness contributed to his suicide. I believe a better physical therapy experience would have provided hope beyond his temporary paralysis and pain. This regret terrorizes me in my dreams. 

So, how do you overcome something like that? I leaned into Brene' Brown's work on shame and vulnerability, a lot, and I keep this quote clearly visible on my wall:

"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame." 

In these words, I found my purpose. To name my regrets and mistakes and share the wisdom I've gained. This has been so hard, but also healing to know that my contribution could help one mother in her journey.

So, this is what I would do differently, I would use my voice.

• Ask questions about everything I didn't understand
• Find an advocate within the hospital system to help me make informed decisions
• Research the best physical therapy practices and facilities for my son's injuries
• Get a second opinion
• NEVER allow therapy to break barriers of human kindness, no matter what they say
• Get training to become part of the therapy process
• I would take leave from work to manage the post hospital healing plan
• Always follow my mother instinct

Today, after working through the fire of self-discovery, I have found grace for that scared mom. My heart believes that she did the best that she could at the time with the tools that were available. I acknowledge the night terrors as an event that happened instead of something I caused. This practice  has allowed me to catch my breath and see my son victorious over his pain and  injuries. I've also committed to work on my resiliency so that I can be a more capable advocate for myself or loved ones in the future.

Everyone experiences guilt and shame in life. Surviving after a child commits suicide magnifies all of it. If you are wrestling with your own pain and regret, I highly recommend that you explore "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene' Brown.  Take this journey gently, the work is challenging but the outcome is life changing.

And, if you want to learn about a mother's grit and determination to save her son from suicidal tendencies as a result of traumatic brain injuries, then check out the book "Miracle Mindset: A Mother, Her Son, and Life's Hardest Lessons" written by JJ Virgin.