How do I get mad?

I was asked the question today, "if someone were to rob a gas station and shoot and kill one of your daughters, what would you want to see done to that person?" I answered, "I would want them punished and considered for the death penalty! That would be devastating!" Then the question turned to, "well, how do you feel about Nathan taking himself from you in this way?" UGH!!!

I knew there would come a point where I truly had to process that my son died at his own hand, but I just don't know how to be mad at him for it in the same way. How is a mother supposed to face this type of reality?

A recent article suggested that "suicide is not a choice, but a choice that one happens upon when the pain is greater than the ability to cope." And that "suicide is not a choice to die, rather an expression of the deepest human desire to survive."

This perspective helps me see Nathan's pain with a new lens. My compassion for his hurt is much greater than my anger at him for taking himself away from all of us. I'm not sure if I will ever truly be angry. Toxic sadness is my reality.

Late publish - originally written 7/10/2014