The mind is so powerful

For those of you who found your child after a successful suicide, my broken heart grieves for you from a deeply hallowed place.

Sometimes I think about what Nathan and his dad experienced on "that" day for us in April of 2013. Just  hearing the story once, my mind only allows a replay of the moments that my heart can tolerate. Living through his realities would have destroyed my sanity completely. And, although grateful that God protected me from witnessing the details of Nathan's final moment, I am selfishly relieved that my son was not alone. To that end, I pray for extra measures of peace and healing to cover my children's father. 

In the beginning my mind felt broken, literally. Focus was impossible, I couldn't remember the smallest details or connect strings of information. I felt confused, out of balance and afraid of everything! The fear was so overwhelming. It was like my view of life was looking through a fractured window I feared would never be clear again. I did the best I could, but lost so much confidence in the process of trying to put the pieces back together. If you are traveling with me, this is a familiar experience.

It wasn't until year two of my journey when a dear friend invited me to a retreat for grieving mothers that I finally understood the madness in my mind. She and I were divinely connected during a work lunch where I was inspired by stories of her devotion for helping parents heal after child loss through Holley's Hope, nonprofit she started after losing her oldest son to brain cancer. A perfect new friend! Tethered by our loss and a desire for life beyond grief, we ventured a few hours away from our safe places and arrived at a beautiful country estate with quaint décor and lush gardens. Anticipating a weekend of healing, enlightenment and fresh air, it was quickly apparent that we were in over our heads. As the gathering a few hundred mothers from various stages of grief continued throughout the day, a potent energy triggered unwanted anxiety and fear in both of us. It was daunting, but we stuck it out and clung to each other like two exhausted swimmers vowing to put that experience on the list of "what not to do."

The bright spot in that frightful weekend was a session on "Understanding the Effects of Trauma" led by Dr. H. Norman Wright, author of "Crisis & Trauma Counseling." The one  hour session brought clarity to my fractured window and revolutionized my healing practices. She explained that trauma is a normal reaction to abnormal events overwhelming a person's ability to adapt to life. I also learned that trauma affects the way our brain process information which is actually a protective measure to keep us sane. It never occurred to me that losing my son to suicide was a trauma creating real life PTSD symptoms. But it made complete sense after hearing the scientific effects of how trauma affects the brain and everything else. Light bulb moment, my brain suffered an emotional concussion...and it was treatable.

Understanding the physical effects from the trauma of losing Nathan to suicide guided me towards new mind and body focused rituals that I had not considered before. Practices like yoga, meditation and aroma therapy felt good and served the healing process from the inside. A different approach to fitness from my previous obsession with muscular strength and cardiovascular endurance. The mind body connection was very therapeutic and calming and provided supplemental tools to help me combat the toxic anxiety and confusion I was experiencing. 

Keeping my promise to continue living and loving has been challenging. And there are days where the yoga mat and solitude of meditation were replaced by volcanic eruptions of emotion, which also felt good. There is no right or wrong way to process your grief. The important key is that you are processing and not avoiding it because it is too painful. Baby steps are vital. Here are a few of the tools that  have helped me along the way to become more mentally and physically resilient.

• PostIt notes - put them everywhere to help with focus and memory while you are building your mental muscles.
• Virtual yoga and meditation classes - my two favorites are Yoga with Adrienne and the Peleton app.
• Essential oils by Doterra - my favorite scents are lavender, citrus blend and purify; I've also replaced all toxic cleaning supplies with On Guard - fill your environment with scents that bring you joy.
• Research the effects of trauma on the brain. Dr. H. Norman Wright's book "Crisis & Trauma  Counseling" is a great start - knowledge helps you have compassion for yourself.
• Jim Kwik's podcast "Kwik Brain" - overcoming a childhood brain injury, Jim Kwik teaches great brain healing and memory building practices - if he can do it, so can you.
• Find a friend who has experienced child loss and provides a healthy balance in your journey - pray for her, God will bring you the right friend at the perfect time.
• THERAPY - find a good therapist that specializes in grief and keep them on speed dial, this will be a vital tool to help you get through the waves in your journey.

Your mind is very powerful and with conscious effort it can heal from a life altering trauma like losing a child to suicide. I want to encourage you to find the tools that work for you so that you can discover the gift within you that will help others one day. The contribution will be unique to your story and will be just the thing that one other person needs to find theirs. That's how we continue to heal our own hearts with time. 

If you have found your gift, I would love to hear how you plan on sharing it with the world. Please share with this community and let us encourage you.

With much prayer and gratitude,

Nate's mom