Broken hearted and wandering

Dear Nathan,  

I'm broken hearted and wandering around in this really heavy grieving place today. I physically ache with a desire to hug you and hear your voice. Since that isn't possible I hope you don't mind that I read your journal again. I know you would absolutely hate that if you were still here, but just know that the words that were poured out from your heart onto those pages are the most priceless and healing possession I have right now. I'm sure you understand.  As a matter of fact the peace you were seeking through the comfort found in the scriptures you quoted are exactly what I need right now to find peace and comfort from losing you. Its like you wrote them just for me. Thank you.

I'm trying to build the courage to donate your clothes. I've been praying that God connects me to a young man who would really benefit from them. Someone I could pray for and help in some way. I know it wont bring you back and it doesnt ease my pain from feeling like I failed you but its something I feel called to do. Im not ready yet but it will happen soon. I want to iron everything and get it organized. Shocking, right! Lol

Im really proud of your sisters.  They are pressing forward and are keeping you alive in their journeys.  Kayla is a senior at Sam! I know you were so proud of her too. Jordan is so strong and has a renewed vision for her future. She talks about you every day. They both love you so much.

I believe you knew how much we all loved you. More than 500 people showed their love at your funeral! It was so overwhelming to receive the outpouring of love. I also believe you felt like you were doing us a favor. Well you were wrong on that one. This pain is worse. God will take each of us through the grief in our own way.  And there will be peace one day but it will never be ok. Part of me died with you. But I do want to acknowledge that the brokenness that has become part of me is making me be a better person. God will use us one day. I love you so much my beautiful son. My Nathan.
Love, Mom