Grief is a privilege

I've had a bit of writers block these past few weeks. There have been several reality moments like collecting Nate's clothes, graduation cap and gown, etc; going to a hospital; and watching footage of Nathan's first birthday and haircut that sent me into a new depth of grief. I know this is part of the journey, and I'm not fearful of this potent pain, but I'm still wrapping my heart around the idea that grief is a privileged. I LOVE how it sounds, my heart is just a little slower at catching up.

When I became a parent I never imagined grieving or mourning the loss of one of my kids. I feel mentally handicapped by the myriad of emotions and depth of the sadness that has become part of my present. I'm desperately reading, searching, connecting with people, continually talking to God, even talking to Nathan sometimes, but nothing is taking the edge off...nothing about what has happened to us is OK today. Thankfully God is allowing it to come in waves as I am able to handle it....or not. And I feel Him holding on to me like a steady sail as I get tossed around.

What I'm learning is that what I am seeking to "fix" in this pain is something that can't be fixed. That is a whole new concept for me. I rarely meet a challenge I can't overcome, and I'm not quite sure what to do with that. Someone shared with me is that grief becomes a limp that never goes away, but gets better with time. There is never full healing. So, I guess I will need to adjust my expectations. And, I need to somehow learn how to adjust the expectations to others around me. At any point in my life if I need NOT to have any expectations placed on me....it's now. That's a whole new concept too. 

I'm looking forward to meeting the new normal one day. For now, I will connect to my son in a sacred place of grief with God gently guiding my journey. Exhale......