Do not be afraid
http://bible.us/111/JOS1.9.NIV Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Bible.com/app
I've started thinking more about the "firsts" that lie ahead of me in this journey without Nathan. I've made it through mother's day and his donor ceremony, but I must admit, I've been pretty scared about where my emotions will go when approaching other firsts like our family reunion in September, Nate's birthday in October, the holidays, and of course April 12, the day of his rebirth into heaven. I'm noticing that these firsts are becoming very top of mind, and that part of my nesting is working to prepare a soft landing for my heart as they arrive.
To prepare for my family reunion, I want to share that it's OK to talk about Nathan and that I am going to be tender and probably cry, but that's just part of my healing. I want to hear his name and share stories with the people who walked life with us from the beginning. A friend recommended I do something to honor Nathan on his birthday. I really like how that changed my thoughts to ones of honor instead of sadness, so I will spend some time there discovering what that could possibly be. I plan on staying close to home during the holidays, I just want to be in my new home with my family where I've already nested and am so comfortable. But the first day of his rebirth into heaven is still beyond my ability to find comfort right now. I'm sure that's normal, and I'm confident that God will be with me there, so I will work on not being afraid, because one thing that is constant is time, and it's going to come whether I'm ready or not.
I am discovering that time in the process of grieving is based on the severity of the wounds. It was described to me that when Nathan was given mercy by God to step out of his pain and was born again into his new heavenly home, I was left to deal with the afterbirth. Wow! Such a perfect description of the open, raw wounds around this pain. No wonder its so scary! And, because of the compounded elements surrounding Nathans death, there is a major competition in my mind and heart for what to deal with first. It's something I am unable to prioritize and structure like I have so many other challenges in the past.This beast has a life of its own. And all I really want to do is just be in my grief because it's where I truly connect with my son. But, that is just not realistic in the day to day needs of life.Tricky. Painful. Deep. Heavy. Too much for me alone.
I've started thinking more about the "firsts" that lie ahead of me in this journey without Nathan. I've made it through mother's day and his donor ceremony, but I must admit, I've been pretty scared about where my emotions will go when approaching other firsts like our family reunion in September, Nate's birthday in October, the holidays, and of course April 12, the day of his rebirth into heaven. I'm noticing that these firsts are becoming very top of mind, and that part of my nesting is working to prepare a soft landing for my heart as they arrive.
To prepare for my family reunion, I want to share that it's OK to talk about Nathan and that I am going to be tender and probably cry, but that's just part of my healing. I want to hear his name and share stories with the people who walked life with us from the beginning. A friend recommended I do something to honor Nathan on his birthday. I really like how that changed my thoughts to ones of honor instead of sadness, so I will spend some time there discovering what that could possibly be. I plan on staying close to home during the holidays, I just want to be in my new home with my family where I've already nested and am so comfortable. But the first day of his rebirth into heaven is still beyond my ability to find comfort right now. I'm sure that's normal, and I'm confident that God will be with me there, so I will work on not being afraid, because one thing that is constant is time, and it's going to come whether I'm ready or not.
I am discovering that time in the process of grieving is based on the severity of the wounds. It was described to me that when Nathan was given mercy by God to step out of his pain and was born again into his new heavenly home, I was left to deal with the afterbirth. Wow! Such a perfect description of the open, raw wounds around this pain. No wonder its so scary! And, because of the compounded elements surrounding Nathans death, there is a major competition in my mind and heart for what to deal with first. It's something I am unable to prioritize and structure like I have so many other challenges in the past.This beast has a life of its own. And all I really want to do is just be in my grief because it's where I truly connect with my son. But, that is just not realistic in the day to day needs of life.Tricky. Painful. Deep. Heavy. Too much for me alone.
I was recently asked (in a very safe place) if I had the choice, would give up having Nathan to avoid the pain that I'm experiencing right now. As Nathans mother, my immediate heartfelt answer was ABSOLUTELY NOT! I would joyfully give birth to my precious son again. Even as badly as I want to run away from this pain to peace journey, I know that there is no where else to go but through it. Like I said before, it is the privilege of having birthed and loved him that now gives me the privileged to grieve his loss. I get it, but it makes me scratch my head with a big question of "why." I was hoping I could skip the "why" stage of grief too, but no such luck. The why's and what if's are very present.
My job now is to continue to walk in this grieving place one step at a time and praise God each day for his mercy and grace. He is keeping his promise, and I must keep mine to parent Nathan in this new way and seek ways to find joy in the journey. I am confident it will come. Until it does, I will have grace for Nikki, just like my Father in Heaven does. That's new, but comforting.
Thank you Father for giving me confidence to take each next step and for your promises to catch me when I fall. Thank you for the blessing of my husband, daughters, family and friends who are part of my healing process. You, God, are my refuge and salvation. In Jesus precious name, amen.
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