What does ok mean?

What does it look like to be doing ok after the death of your child?  I'm not in a fetal position,  I guess thats ok. Im still going to work and I still find fulfillment in what I'm able to accomplish for KSBJ so that's ok. I find joy in loving my husband and my daughters, I would call that great. But the whole time I'm doing those things I'm remembering Nathan. Not the happy memories, the scary hospital memories and regrets, my last conversation with him.  Then the "phone call." The sadness and hopelessness during his last moments are very top of mind...what was he thinking! My sadness over his broken heart and not having the joy of experiencing grandchildren and seeing Nathan happy is more than I can bare at times. Yesterday at lunch I just drove around and cried. These grieving tears are like none I've ever shed. So heavy, so toxic, so good to release. That was the first time Ive had to just go do that while I was working. I feel clumsy, out of sorts and scattered.  It is difficult to hold a train of thought or connect any kind of dots which is one of my strengths. Not ok.

Its hard to balance life with how broken I really feel. How torn my heart is over the absence of Nathan. Just 2 weeks ago I was able to hold the emotions until I could process at home, in private, in control. Today thats not the case. God is teaching me something in this very vulnerable, unfamiliar, out of control place. I will be obedient in it, but I'm not ok with it yet.  Im exhausted.

I've become more frustrated about having to learn coping skills that will allow me to "tolerate" a broken heart. I am realizing that there is no magic pill magic moment in the future that will fully heal this pain. Is this what they mean about the anger stage?  I was hoping to skip angry. Its alot of work in this stage!

Being the over achieving fixer I am trained to be, I'm still diligently seeking answers. In this search I have found grieving mother resources that are shedding real light on what lies ahead. Some I see as my reality, some I don't. But all of it is boiling down to the fact that this tragic event has really happened in my family. I will never talk to, yell at, kiss, hold, comfort, counsel, worry, rejoice, or look at my son Nathan's beautiful face again. My son has really died. I gave birth to three beautiful babies and I was forced to experience the death of my first born son. Thats so not ok!

That reality then forces me to face the way he died. Not just any death, a death he chose and I couldn't protect him from. Suicide is now a factor. Thats not ok either. What does God want me to do with that? Going there is too frightening right now, but He will reveal it when I'm ready.

I feel God carrying me even more in this phase of the journey. I'm fully aware of his gentle guidance to peace. I know where I am weak he is strong. For this season and every other, I will release the reigns because my faith lies in the hope that God will make things be ok.

Thank you, Father for your promise of peace and joy in the morning. I will let the tears flow as you cleanse my sorrow. I will lean into you as you shield me from myself. I will praise your holy name for the story you are gently writing in me where you will be glorified through the death of my son. You were glorified through the death of your own son, so you know what to do. My hope is in you.  In Jesus precious name, amen.