You are my treasure

Dear Nathan,
I started a treasure chest today. It holds all of the physical treasures I have left of you. I was telling Jerry that it seems impossible to have everything left of a life fit in a box. It felt so small. But then he reminded me that those were only your things and that the fullness of your life and my love for you coud not be contained in any box and those are what really matter. He's right.

My precious baby boy,  the time has come where I may not be able to spend as much time in sadness with you. Life is requesting my engagement and other people need me too. You are probably saying,  "Finally! Its about time mom!" But up to this point I have yearned to be in this grief because it is the only part of you that remains real right now. I really feel the hurt, I really taste the toxic tears, I really feel the weight of your presence through sadness in the front part of my mind and I really feel the physical weakness because of the pain. This is how I have carried you with me.

I must take that next step and do my part in this journey to peace. I have to help God heal the open wound that remains after your rebirth into heaven. I have to heal so that I can seek our story. And that means I have to give you fully to God and share my heart again.

I'm so sorry for staying in this place for so long. I know that is not what you wanted. You were trying to help us all. You made a choice and made your peace with God that day. He knows your heart, even in that final moment, and I believe with all of my heart that you were guided by love into the perfect place of  peace and joy like no other. You have heard the words "all is well..." And you are finally happy.

I wish I could say that I was happy about that too. And I can't promise I won't be back in grief, and maybe even soon, until I am stronger.  And it doesn't mean I won't feel sad. I just can't afford to live sad any longer. So, I promise to do my best to find joy with only memories. And from there I will keep you alive.

You did live and I did love.  That's as real as it can get.

I love you, Nathan Randall. All of you, in and out of the box.