The end is the beginning

The words to the Cloverton song are an anthem in my heart during this season.

And the end is the beginning
Where death makes way for living
It's on You I'm depending
And it all begins in the end
That's where You and I begin

I lived through another first. October 26 was my sons 24th birthday. As all moms do,  I thought the day he was born was the beginning of his future. I had so many great plans for him! But in reality his end was the beginning on so many levels.

We are all spiritual beings having a physical experience. Nathans true beginning started with the end of his life on this earth. Death made way for living free from his pain, his heartache and his suffering. He can now rejoice in glory with the God of heaven and of earth as the spirit he was created to be.

As for me, the end of my sons life was the beginning of  my life without him. What to do with that is the question. I still have 2 amazing daughters I love. A husband I adore, a supportive family and a job I am passionate about. And even with all of that, part of me ended with the death of my boy. 

With that end, I know that God is creating a new beginning.  As a Christ follower, we must die before we can live. That was such a BHAG until I suffered the loss of a child. It is the intimate encounter with death that brings those scriptures to life for me. I have found things that used shake my core, are really just another day at the office.  It will need to be a pretty significant event to exceed where I've been. But I won't be praying for more endurance in this area, ever!

From the shattered pieces, God is creating a new heart in me. I feel so much deeper. I see so much clearer. My priorities are focused. When I inhale and exhale, I am able to experience each moment with the rise and fall of my chest. I have tasted grief like a toxic chemical, and I know how to be in the moment. I almost can imagine what it looks like throigh Jesus' eyes. For that, I'm grateful. 

However, if I were asked, I would take my disheveled, imperfect and insecure self back in a second if it meant I would be able to live the life that I dreamed of with all of my children and their children. I so badly want this to be a bad dream. I want to experience life as the mom of the living Nathan, not the deceased Nathan.

I'm so grateful that God shows up every day. Because it is on Him I'm depending. And ultimately,  it's end where He and I are beginning.  Just like Nate, but different. 

I love you, son. I miss you everyday.  I ache to have you back every second. I am so sorry that I didn't protect you. The what ifs have found there way in this journey. Please forgive me.  Mom