When the quiet of your soul is assaulted

http://bible.com/r/5b.4g Today I am reading day 290 of Praise In the Presence of God:

Safe and Secure

When the quiet of your soul is assaulted, the ultimate point of refuge is your relationship with the Father. In Jesus’ name we have been joined together with the heart of God. And He whose heart reached down to us in Christ has been knit together with us through Christ!

We not only have a Savior who calms the storms of life, but in Christ we “have an anchor” that securely positions us permanently in a safe harbor (Heb. 6:19).

Living and Praying in Jesus’ Name

It's been 6 months ago today that the quiet of my soul was assaulted by the tragic loss of my son.  It feels like a jagged spear has pierced my inner being and I so desperately want relief. But to receive that means I have to forget. And to forget means Nates life was meaningless.

I don't want to forget the beautiful blue eyed, blonde haired, fair skinned little boy that changed the course of my life. And who changes it still today. The difference now is that have I have to travel without him and I'm lost. My first true love came into my life just as unexpectedly as he left it and I am left with pieces of a shattered heart impossible to reassemble. Where are the directions for this puzzle? The wake of Nathans death has left an inner pain like no physical pain can compare and the ache in my womb us a daily reminder that a part of me has died too.

Who could recover after something like this without the refuge of a loving heavenly father? I can't fathom how much more assaulting it could be without Him. I will never know.

Although a stormy course, I have set my anchor in Christ or I would have long ago been lost at sea. This is not my only loss. But, why does today, the 6th month day, feel like the first day? How can I have this many tears left? God are you catching them! Are you counting them? Please remind me what this is all for.

As I tearfully sit and watch the rain fall from the sky bring life, I wonder what life will you bring from this flood in my soul. Who is going to benefit from this pain? When will I know you have been glorified because of such a painful loss? Once again enduring faith reminds me that you will breathe life back into my grieving soul.  I will be patient in the back seat of this trip, but I am so tired.

Jesus...Jesus...Jesus.