I felt you today

Hi Nate,

I felt you all around today. The sky was so blue, the birds were out, the wind was blowing and making the chimes ring on my friend chime. Jerry and I were working on a DIY project. It was just perfect. I actually felt happiness. It was such a strange recognition. Like an old friend had returned. Once I realized what was happening, I immediately went back to a sad place of missing you. I guess I'm still not ready to completely leap from the pain to peace. Although, it was encouraging to know that it will be a potential possibility one day.

On days like today, I go back to the early days after you had gone, and I only wanted to be sad, because that's where you were. I relate the way the sun beams through the windows and the way the warm air hits my skin. All reminders of that you can no longer share these kinds of days. No matter where you were. At least we were feeling the same things. Now, I can't even imagine how much more you are experiencing in your new life. I'm a bit jealous.

I have met some new people who also share a survivor story. They are all still mourning the loss of their child and some are sisters. It was a great meeting, I'm trying to open my heart to what God has me there for, but for now, I am just attending with no judgement. They are very nice. Each story has some similarities to ours, but many more differences. So much pain was experienced by each of the people who left behind loved ones now trying to pick up the pieces. Just like us. My desire is to better understand where you were when you decided to end your life here on earth. That may never happen, but it helps to open those curious doors.

I also met people recently who were on your side of the story. They had attempted to end their life, but were unsuccessful. It was a painful perspective, but they were able to help me understand the finite pain and the oblivion to the damage they would have caused should they have been successful. There were some who were also physically suffering because of the damage caused from the attempt. So scary.

I'm on an excavation right now to get to the bottom of you. The more I learn, the less it hurts. I only wish I would have spent as much time on this while you were still living. I miss you everyday, Nate. We all do. Uncle Aaron even carries your hat in his hunting bag to keep you with him there. You know how much that must mean. There is not a moment that you are not part of my thoughts. I was so grateful for the essence of you I was able to experience you through God's outdoor beauty today. I know how much you enjoyed that too.

Love Mom.