The first new year without you

It's January 3, 2014, the first new year without you. I can't believe that it has been nearly 9 month's since you were reborn into heaven. I started the journey blog in May so I'm taking the extra month to still seek the lesson. I've been doing alot of processing in this time, Nate. I haven't found the perfect mix of things to find peace but I know its not far off. 

Peace to me means a true acceptance that you are gone to be with the Lord and my willingness to let you fully go. A gifted woman told me that she sees you standing with me at all times, worried for me and that you want me to be ok so that you can go on. Baby, I'm not ready. I want to be just as selfish with my sadness as you were taking your life from us. I know that's not what God wants and I will be obedient. My heart knows that Joy will follow peace because God gives us joy in His presence and that is the road I am traveling now.

I've had to get help in coping with the trauma of losing you among the other pains of the last 2 years. I'm not ashamed of that. I lasted a really long time under alot of stress. I'm taking time away from responsibility to rest, be with God and heal my mind, body and soul. It's refreshing so far. I sense a difference in my level of anxiety.  There is gratitude knowing I have it to go back to because God isn't through with me yet. Maybe soon. Either way, He will let us all know.

I'll get better and be better. Then I can find our full story and shout it from a mountain top. It's going to be a good one so stay tuned. :)

I love you and miss you,  Nate.
Mom