I get stuck

The mind is a funny thing. The time you need it to be on the most it decides to shut off. I hate the stuck feeling I get when I'm really wanting to process this grief. Maybe I really don't want to and I'm self sabotaging. Who knows? I wonder if this constant battle of knowing the reality of Nathan's death and the innate desire I have to deny it will be part of this new normal I'm searching for. It's such a bitter sweet ideal. I feel peace when I make peace with his death, but I destroy the peace when I go into denial that this really happened to us. It's so strange.

Jerry and I are considering visiting a church that Nathan had visited when he lived with us one summer. Nate was trying to find his way and was on such a spiritual journey that he tried everything he could think of to make his God connection. I was so proud of him. The thought of visiting that church brings the same bitter sweet realization that Nathan once sought God there and that he will never do that here on earth again. As a matter of fact, maybe I'm jealous that he doesn't have to seek any longer because he has already found what he was looking for. Perfect peace.

This blog entry is an attempt to get unstuck. I thought if  I identified it that some breakthrough would happen. No luck. So, I'll stop now while I'm ahead.

Love you, Nathan. Please come visit me in my dreams so that I can create new memories and get unstuck.

Mom