What have I learned?

Over the last 9 months, I've made a commitment to seek peace out of the pain from losing my son to suicide. As I read over some of the early entries, it breaks my heart again to realize the depths of the pain that has been experienced and is still very real today. I don't know if I felt like 9 months was a magic number where all of a sudden the pain would ease or if I felt like I could "fix" me by that time, or what. But I can say the expectations from my first entry were a bit over zealous. Which is not a surprise for those who know me well.

So what have I learned?

I've learned that there needs to be an increased awareness about suicide among today's youth. I honestly don't think that they realize the devastation they leave in the wake of their selfish moment of desperation, nor do I think they truly understand that their instant choice is a permanent one. Depression is running rampant in our young people and we are not educated enough to recognize it or know how to approach it. When did parents become so scared of talking about things that are uncomfortable? I know I did as soon as I was received with anger and the appalled disposition from Nathan at the mere mention of the word depression. Why did I stop there? He was in no way able to help himself from that point on and I did nothing. That is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

What have I learned about myself?

I've learned that broken hearts can become a livable part of life. Although it is still painful, I am experiencing moments of true joy and peace as well. I also learned that it takes work to get there. I didn't just wake up one day and decide to be OK with the fact that my son died.  It has been a process and has taken a massive support system to get me back on my feet. I've learned how to lean in to the people who love me and to ask for help when I need it. I've also learned that I am resilient, vulnerable, weak and strong. This journey is extremely exhausting. I've also learned it is a journey that has no end. I won't ever be "over" my grieving from losing Nathan, but I can learn to grieve well. And that is my new goal.

I was also asked by a dear friend, "what have I learned about God?"

I've learned that the scripture that tells of the peace that passes understanding is the real deal. I have also experienced God with tears of pain at  night and joy has come in the morning. I have learned that He is faithful to send me physical reminders of His love through friends and strangers just at the right moment. He is real, He is loving, and he is grieving with me. I know for a fact, that without the strength of my loving Father in heaven, my weaknesses would have overpowered me. I am so grateful for the honor of traveling this journey with Him and will until the day I get to see Him face to face.