Joy and pain, they feel the same

Once the heart breaks after the loss of a child,  it is impossible to predict how it will respond to extreme emotional events. You spend such concentrated energy protecting your broken heart from emotion during the grieving journey that it reacts much like a new born fawn learning how to walk when the opportunity arises for it to feel again. The awkward, wobbly expression is normal and necessary. But, take heart dear one...we will walk straight again.

We found out some amazing news today! My husband's middle son and his wife are expecting a new baby boy in July 2021! It is the most beautiful love story, and I am so humbled that God used me as the instrument to bring them together. 

In February of 2018, I was moved (by the Holy Spirit) to introduce my bonus son, Jeff,  to one of my newly found friends at work, Sarah. She and I hit it off and developing a dear friendship.  We took girl trips and had lunches and I truly valued my time spent with her. So, when I felt God's nudge to introduce  her to Jeff, I was a little apprehensive. They had both recently gone through a breakups and I wasn't sure if the time was right, or if he was ready to meet such a sound woman yet. And what if it went wrong, would she get mad at me because I introduced them? I vacillated seriously over this, but remembered my promise to God that I would not ignore his nudges after I didn't pick up the phone and call my son Nathan on the day died. Nervous but obedient, I shared a photo of Sarah to Jeff when we met  him for his birthday dinner on 2/19/2018, the rest is history.

They were inseparable. A $90 membership on Match.com lead to a million text messages, Wednesday date nights and fun weekend trips. They were engaged by December, married in September the following  year and now pregnant with a baby boy! Our hearts are overflowing with joy. 

From these events, I've come to realize that joy and pain, they feel the same. When Jeff surprised all of us at Christmas by proposing to Sarah in front of the whole family, I couldn't stop the tears. Although happy, it was the same heavy, salty flooding tears that flow when I am grieving. My heart hurt with joy the same way it hurts with my pain. When they surprised us with the birth announcement, I leapt away from them like I had just touched hot fire. The overwhelming joy was too much for me to handle in one spot. I needed to take up space. I felt the same when I got "the phone call." 

I'm using these opportunities to retrain my heart to identify with joy and not just pain. It takes work to welcome back this long lost friend, but such a worthy effort.

My most memorable moment about today was Sarah saying 

"God is allowing us to bring another man into this world because Sparks men are so good, and He needs more good  men in this world." 

I swear, I don't think I could love this precious soul any more than I do, then she says something like that! LOL! She honored her husband as well as mine, just amazing! 

Nini can't wait to meet you, baby Sparks! All of this love that I can't share with Nathan in person is  yours.