A reality check came today as I read a text from Nathan's girlfriend saying she had gotten the birthday present in the mail that he had ordered for her a week before his death. So many questions come to mind as I am dipping into the not so blissful denial stage of yesterday, but the painful realization that this story is my reality today. Nathan had so many plans leading up to his finite moment, it just doesn't make sense. He was planning a date with the girl who's heart he had broken, and who's heart he was so working to win back. He even forced his dad to take him to get a hair cut and shave because she wouldn't go with him looking so scruffy. He thought the Duck Dynasty look was working for him, but poor baby just didn't have the whisker power that some guys do. So, what went wrong in that split second where he couldn't see beyond the black of the moment and see how much we were all rooting for him and how much everyone around him loved him and wanted him to be OK? What if they would have worked out it? What would their babies look like? What if..What if...What if....
But this is what I do know. Even though his life on earth was cut way too short, my son KNEW LOVE. He felt it deeply and wanted it back desperately. I'm so grateful that he knew what it felt to love uncontrollably. (That's what they would say.) My heart hurts so deeply for his love. I only know my perspective of this experience, but cannot imagine where the questions lead her. I pray for her each day as if she were my own. Some of me hopes to keep her as part of my own as a way to keep a connection to Nathan....maybe she will let me. Or, maybe it's too much. I just don't know.
Dearest Father in Heaven, God of all Comfort...what do I do with all of this? Please take the lead in this journey to peace, it's so much bigger than me. In Jesus precious name, Amen.
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