I thank my God everytime I remember you

http://bible.us/111/PHP1.3.NIV I thank my God every time I remember you. Bible.com/app

The context of this scripture has a twist for me right now.  I wish I could admit that my thankfulness comes with joy when I think of Nathan, but that is not the case in this stage of the journey. I am still filled with deep sadness and emptiness; mourning the past, current and future dreams I had for my life as Nathans mom and for the life he could have had as a man of God.

In the past few months, I can't tell you how many times I have looked at his facebook page just to see his thoughts and interactions with friends through posts and photos. Or how many times I've closed my eyes and listened to his voice on the only saved voice message I have of him on my phone. Not to mention the times I've walked into the closet where his clothes are hanging just to touch and smell them. NOTHING about that brings me joy.

But strangely, I have started to yearn for the moments when I can be alone and remember Nathan even though it makes me eternally sad. My grief is a precious connection to him, its my time to be with my son. It is my parenting for him and I don't want to miss any part of it. I can tell when I haven't spent enough time grieving because it tends to take control of me when I least expect it. So I'm trying to learn balance even in this process.

Where I am connecting to this scriptue is that I am being obedient as a Christ follower to praise Him in this storm and fill my broken heart with thanksgiving for the thoughts and memories I have of Nathan. Even if they make me sad. I know that this obedience will create in me a new song that one day will be filled with real thanksgiving, full of joy. I believe the Bible when it says that promotion comes from the Lord and I know He will lift me out of these depths when its time. He is preparing me to tell Nathans story and I want to make sure I'm fully ready.

Father use me. Heal this broken woman. Create in me a new song that sings nothing but your praises with full joy. Thank you for your promises of strength and peace. I praise you for the blessing of having Nathan in my life for 23 years. Make this story clear, make it yours, Father. In Jesus precious name, Amen.