The Lord blesses his people with peace

http://bible.us/111/PSA29.11.NIV The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace. Bible.com/app

Everytime I experience a deeper step into the grief process I come out the other side a bit stronger and have a longer span of un interrupted peace before the next step. This verse is spot on.

I have to admit there are times when I have doubted that there will ever be peace and that pain is a permanent fixture. But it is the daily reminders I get  that God is still carrying me...and I'm letting him.

About 2 am on the night that Nathan died I got a call from Life Gift, an organization who manages organ and tissue donations in our area, requesting a donation from my son. I had not thought of that...why would I have... especially since I was still dealing with the immediate desperation of realizing my son had died from his own hand.

The compassionate voice on the other end said that Nathans father wanted this to be my decision and that he was in support of the idea. I was so relieved that he was in favor of the donation and I was so grateful that he allowed the call to come to me, especially since we have been divorced for 15 years. It just felt natural that this was my decision to walk out on Nathan's behalf since I had shared life with him during the first 9 mos of his existence. I felt empowered in a strange way...at least I think that is the right word. If anything it took away a brief moment of the pain of feeling I had completely failed my son because I couldn't protect him from himself.

It took nearly an hour to answer all of the questions.  It had to be the longest hour of my entire life. I had a sense of purpose though. Donating Nates organs was one good outcome I could justify in his tragic death.

You know, as hard as it was for me, I can't imagine how hard it must be to talk to grieving families about an organ donation so soon. But it is also a testimony of how much they value the impact and put their own feelings aside for the sake of another family who receives life from their loss. HEAVY!

On June 6 I was invited by Life Gift to represent Nathan as he was honored for his life gift. There were about 400 people in a banquet room, all who had lost a loved one in the past year. And there were probably about 100 -150 donors recognized.  After an hour an a half of names being called and a larger than life photo on the presentation screen, Nathan's name was called. My mom, my youngest daughter and I stood to receive his medal and then we totally lost it. We had just sat on the end of our seat wondering if he was going to be the next name. Hearing the broken hearts all around us standing up for their family members who had died, some babies, some older and a lot of young people.  It was too much to handle too soon, but I couldn't not go.

Even though this step was excruciatingly painful to endure, I was glad I went. After a few days of grieving and mourning this reality, I am able to see light again, I am able to write again...until the next step.

Thank you, Father for your promises of peace. I am still praising you in this storm. Lead me, Lord. Lead me to your complete peace and healing.  Even when I want to hold on to my pain because it connects me to my son. I give him back to you. In Jesus precious name, amen.