The struggle...it's real

The first day I came back to work after Nathans funeral, I walked into this beautiful display of birds suspended from the ceiling and posted to my wall of windows. A special friend and fellow survivor of suicide knew what I would need and it was perfect. There are actually more of us in that club than i ever realized until now. We didnt ask for it, but life has given us a very unique connection.

The simple shape of the birds and symbol of freedom Nathan has from the pain he was in is a great comfort to me. I absolutely love working at KSBJ. And I love the people I work with even more than that. The outpouring of love, compassion and empathy is a HUGE part of my healing.

Last week one of the staff shared a ministry message that reminded us that people want Christians to connect in a real way. We are not above pain. We are not above anger and we are not above fear. He inspired me to share the other reality of my journey, the fear, the sadness and the anger.

Every morning, Nathan is the first thing on my mind and he is the last thing on my mind when I go to bed. He is constantly in my thoughts throughout the day. Right now I am struggling with very fearful memories of his days in the hospital after his wreck and the time he spent at the nursing home before he could go home with his dad. They bring sheer horror to my core. I cant stand that my memories are so vivid that it is like I'm in the nightmare again. I've also fought the need to know all details about his last few minutes. Im making up a story in my mind and it terrifies me. Ive taken down all of his recent photos and replaced them with his baby pictures.

Im mad at the 23 year old Nathan. And that is so hard to admit. I dont want to be mad at him but I can't stand the reality of what he did. It hurts so bad! I hate that this story is now part of our present and future. I feel like I failed him and I love him so much. I don't know what to do with that. How could he not know how much everyone loved him...family and friends! I am desperately trying to hold it all together but sometimes I just want to scream at him or anyone who is in ear shot. WHY!!!!?!!!! Someone please explain this!

I've also had 2 encounters of what felt like an evil presence since Nathan died. I have gotten so scared that I literally run from where I am to a place where I'm not alone. In my heart I know I wouldnt be afraid of my own son if he was trying to reach out to me. But I can't explain the panic that I'm experiencing.  Next time, I'm holding firm and praying in the name of Jesus. Satan or his crew has NO room here. The Holy Spirit guards this house!  (Sounds tough huh?! Lol...please pray that I have that strength and don't run like a scared little girl.)

So ya, God continues to comfort me and I'm still traveling toward peace, but I have some scary times. Tomorrow I am going to look through Nathans things and see his home. I will see his last view, see where he slept, and have another reality of where he will never be again. Im scared to death. But I know God is nudging me to take another step so I will be obedient. And I will be better after it is done.